I guess it all began when I came out of the womb. I looked back up at my mother and thought to myself, 'That's the last time I'm going up one of those.'
--Stephen about being gay

No, he was a Fry. He would have welcomed it.
--Stephen about C.B. Fry jumping on a mantel to escape a blowjob drink; Q.I 1x08

I wish I'd never mentioned the bloody mantelpiece. It was just one of the many things he could do. All right? Let's not refine on it, let's not make it too big a deal. He did it once or twice.
--Stephen in response to the several mentions of C.B. Fry jumping onto the mantel; Q.I 1x08

Hello, hello and welcome to Q.I., the program that was originally entitled Fry's Turkish Delight because it's pink and squashy and comes immediately before a cigarette.
--Q.I.

Never ask a P.R. man for the truth and never shake hands with a gynecologist. These are basic professional rules.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power 2x02

It's YPC. Young People's Code! That's the difference between us, Martin. You want to understand Jeremy, but can't; I can understand him and don't want to.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power 2x02

Why not? My feet are big.
--Charles Prentiss when being told he can't 'bigfoot' someone; Absolute Power 2x02

Someone from here? Well, I'm arguably more 'someone from here' than you are.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power 2x02

Yes, they're into this thing about doing good instead of doing well.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power 2x02

Not only can you represent the buyer and the seller, but you can steal all the light bulbs, pee in the sink and then go and live in the house after they've bought it. P.R. means never having to say you're wrong.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power 2x02

Charles, sir. A bit like Jimmy but all the letters are different.
--Charles Prentiss; Absolute Power

Damn you, you b!tch!
--The Thin Blue Line; 1x06 Kids Today

I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors. We don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we?
--The Thin Blue Line; 1x06 Kids Today

I want to go to bed with you.
--Stephen to 'Jim' Cleese in The Secret Policeman's Third Ball

I have found that alcohol taken in sufficient quantity produces all the effects of drunkenness.
--Oscar Wilde

In a dung heap, even a plastic bead can gleam like a sapphire.
--The Hippopotamus book

You're naked, you silly arse. You're stark bollock-naked.
--The Hippopotamus book

"I teach pupils, Hugh, I don't teach the piano. That would be stupid.
--Saturday Live

I was like 'Excuse me?' And he was like 'Can I sit here?' And I was like 'No way.' So he was like 'My name's Tom.' And I was like 'Well my name's Steve.' And he was like 'Why?'
--Stephen on the new usage of the word 'like'

I've heard some rubbish in my time--every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact.
--Bishop Flavius Melchett; Blackadder: Back & Forth

I some times think that if I believed everything I heard in rumours, I'd be believing some things that aren't true at all.
--Control; A Bit Of Fry & Laurie

There's a little man in the village who runs up my skirts.
--A Bit Of Fry & Laurie

"I feel chuffed and tickled pink, well tickled blue and gold anyway.
--Stephen on getting an honourary degree

"Where is my spleen?"
--This Is David Landers; Episode 6

"Ow! Please don't hit me with hammers, Mr. Ribley!"
--This Is David Landers; Episode 6

"I don't like to be threatened. Please, don't stab me, Mr. Ribley!"
--This Is David Landers; Episode 6

"Ow! Mr. Ribley, don't attack me with scalpels!"
--This Is David Landers; Episode 6

If there were a mixture of cricket, poker and snooker that would be it, I reckon. Hard to imagine but I wish someone would invent it!
--Stephen answer to his favourite sport; 28 August 2002, BBC Norfolk
[Donated by thymeth.]

Q. If you knew at twenty-one what you know now, what, if anything, would you do differently?
A. There is a poem by Borges called Instantes that says it all. Walk barefoot more often, eat more ice-cream, talk to children, be silly. That sort of thing.
--Cherwell Online: Friday 24th October 2003, Chatting up…Stephen Fry
[Donated by thymeth.]

I get an urge, like a pregnant elephant, to go away and give birth to a book.
--musicOMH.com, by Michael Osborn, 12/2001
[Donated by thymeth.]

What you do with your penis or your bottom or anything else is so supremely irrelevant in a moral sense. It's what we do with our personalities and other people that matters.
--OutUK
[Donated by thymeth.]

There are plenty of other things to be got up to in the homosexual world outside the orbit of the anal ring, but the concept that really gets the goat of the gay-hater, the idea that really spins their melon and sickens their stomach is that most terrible and terrifying of all human notions, love.
That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand. Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave. Love as agape, Eros and philos; love as romance, friendship and adoration; love as infatuation, obsession and lust; love as torture, euphoria, ecstacy and oblivion (this is beginning to read like a Calvin Klein perfume catalogue); love as need, passion and desire.
--Moab is My Washpot, p 251 (chapter Falling In, part 3)
[Donated by thymeth.]

Now, I have never believed myself to be physically attractive. There are three reasons for this.
1. I'm not my type
2. I'm not physically attractive
3. So there
--Moab is My Washpot, p 298 (chapter Falling In, part 5)
[Donated by thymeth.]